There's an assumption that the holidays are a joyful time for all of us, which is certainly not the case, especially when grief is involved. The holiday season holds the potential to really spotlight loneliness. A season often associated with meaningful time with loved ones and celebrations can open the door to a lens of scarcity... more bluntly, a focus on everything "I don't have." Holidays can be especially difficult after the loss of a loved one or the end of a relationship. It may bring up old memories and a longing for a connection that is no longer possible. That being said, all is not lost. Here are some concrete ways to fight the holiday blues:

1) Increase your human interaction. This can be as in depth as planning a dinner party with friends or as simple as avoiding the self-check line and opting for an actual person. Some research shows that social exclusion activates the same parts of our brain as physical pain. We are hard-wired for connection and physical touch can be incredibly effective in helping meet that need. Maybe don't rush that next hug, focus on eye contact during conversations, and if you don't have access to loved ones, get a massage. Studies show that massage increases serotonin up to 30% as well as dopamine levels and is shown to decrease stress hormones. NOTE: Texting or emailing is not a suitable substitute for human interaction. Sharing space with another body is crucial to combating isolation.

2) Volunteer. It feels good to help others. More specifically, we often gain perspective by getting some distance from our own struggles and supporting another in theirs. This is also another great way to seek out meaningful human interaction. Why is that important? Refer to #1.

3) Foster Gratitude. Author and researcher Brenè Brown describes how the process of actively practicing gratitude can cultivate more joy in daily life. Simple ways to incorporate this are starting a gratitude journal or even setting an alarm on your phone periodically throughout the day to pause and reflect on the question "what am I grateful for?" And guess what the good news is? You don't even have to be able to answer the question, the act of searching for the answer alone fosters emotional intelligence. Gratitude also offers the positive effect of boosting serotonin and dopamine levels which help register social interactions as more enjoyable.

4) Practice Self-Compassion. Have you ever considered why it’s so easy for us to be kind, compassionate and loving to others, but not ourselves? Dr. Kristin Neff provides an excellent intro into the benefits of loving yourself, flaws and all, and how the daily practice of self-compassion actually allows you to better care for others as well. She also distinguishes between self-compassion and self-indulgence. Self-compassion invites us to be kind to ourselves while also holding ourselves accountable. The three concepts of self-compassion are:

1) Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgement: The ability to be kind towards ourselves when we're suffering or fail rather than ignore our pain or put ourselves down.

2) Common Humanity vs. Isolation: The understanding that suffering is part and parcel with humanness. A helpful reminder that you are not alone in your pain.

3) Mindfulness vs. Overidentification: Holding a nonjudgmental awareness of our suffering allows us to actively choose how to navigate it rather than we swept away by it.

And if you're needing additional support, why wait until the new year to start (or continue) your counseling journey? Pro tip: most counselors have more availability in December due to client travels and obligations. It's actually an ideal time to make that call and schedule an appointment.

References:

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brenè Brown

The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time by Alex Korb

What do you do when you begin to notice changes in a loved one's behavior or demeanor? It's easy to simply justify the change with excuses like stress, but sometimes there's another element at work. Sometimes it isn't just a phase or a funk.

As a culture, we hold a negative stigma around mental health. It's taboo to mention things like depression, or therapy. But here's the thing, mental health and wellbeing cannot occur in isolation. And folks, we are a society who isolates when things are tough, especially when those "things" are related to mental health. So how do you approach a loved one to begin the conversation around seeking support?

Share your concern by addressing behavior // I don't know about you, but if someone comes at me saying "You're depressed. Intervention!" I won't give them the time of day. Also, labeling a person as their symptoms can imply judgement. Rather than using phrases like "he's schizophrenic" or "she's depressed" you should externalize the symptoms, thus acknowledging the person behind them. Ex: She struggles with depression. Also, it's never cool to diagnosis your loved ones, so consider starting the conversation with something like:

In the last few months I've noticed some changes in your behavior. You seem less interested in things you've always enjoyed and you've told me that you're not sleeping much. I'm concerned and wondering if you're ok, because you're important to me. If there's anything you want to talk about, I will just listen to you. Whatever is going on, I won't judge you because I love you and I want you to know that you're not alone in this.

Be ready to listen without judgement // Often people won't talk about depression or thoughts of suicide or self-harm for fear that it will be "too much" for someone else to hear. Listen and empathize with their experience. Comments like "it can't be that bad" or "cheer up" can be extremely dismissive to someone who is struggling with depressive symptoms. Imagine what their struggle must feel like and meet them in that place. A comment as simple as "wow that sounds really difficult, thank you for trusting me with this." shows that you can handle their struggle and allows you to become an ally.

Don't be afraid to discuss suicide // There is a common misconception that talking about suicide makes someone more likely to attempt suicide. Generally speaking, this is not the case. If someone is suicidal, discussing it in a safe space can be extremely helpful for building a network of support, creating a safety plan, and if needed, seeking hospitalization. If you know that a loved one has thoughts of suicide or self harm, the simple question of "can you keep yourself safe?" is a great way to assess the situation without judgment or shaming. There are several risk factors to determining the severity of suicidality, but the red flags that you shouldn't ignore are:

If they have a specific plan of how to end their life
If they have access to the means to carry out that plan
If they have had a previous suicide attempt
If they have a family member who has died by suicide

Here are some important resources that can be good to pass along if needed:

24/7 Crisis Hotline - 512-472-HELP(4357)

APD Mental Health Crisis Intervention Team - 512-854-3450

National Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line - text HELLO to 741741

It's important to know that a single conversation won't solve everything, but it can open the door for seeking support and keep someone from becoming isolated.